We are in what I believe they call the f*cking trenches over here. I might have said that before, but I really mean it now.
I'm talking a teething baby waking up three to four times a night AND a toddler who has simultaneously decided to blow through naps, start going to bed later, wake up at 6am sharp, and leave her room for the first time, all at once, all in the same week. (Which if you do the math means I've been running on something like four hours of broken sleep a night and have, yes, resorted to asking ChatGPT what to do about it. He assures me this is all completely normal, which, great, so glad we checked).
I solo parented through most of it, which added a certain spice. I've heard friends and family go through stretches like this and I always thought I understood it, but there's a difference between understanding something and being in it at 3am when everyone needs you at the same time.
All of which is to say: I will take all the almost-unethical parenting hacks if they're on offer, no judgment. We do what we gotta do - especially if it works. (Honestly, right now, the goal is just to not cause any long-term damage, I hope).
We asked the internet, and the internet delivered.
In this issue:
✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅ hacks on brilliant hacks
Bedtime & Screens
(no notes. just applause.)
"Straight up told my 3 year old Blippi is dead."
— @subdub19, TikTok
"Baby Shark was destroyed in a fire at the internet factory"
— @thedad, Twitter
"Pretending that our streaming services are cable TV. You want to watch Moana? It's not on until Friday."
— u/FriedPickle0662, Reddit
"everything sleeps. every single thing sleeps. the outside? asleep."
— @pink_haired_raven, TikTok
"I taught my kids that the TV needs to charge, so when we're done with screen time, I just say 'Okay guys, the TV needs to charge now'"
— @anatol19sik, TikTok
"when it's screen time i give them their ipads at 5%. times out perfectly"
— @heyitssal0756, TikTok
"Sometimes when I'm tired I change the time on the kitchen clock so we go to bed early."
— @apeacock87, Instagram
"When it's past their bedtime, Dad changes the language on the TV to Spanish. When the kids act confused, he says it 'must be because you're tired.'"
— u/MajorCompetitive612, Reddit
Lies They Fully Believed
(commitment to the bit.)
"I convinced my 3 children under 7 that when they lied to me (or any adult) that an invisible bright blue showed on their forehead."
— @tabitha.harris.5209, Instagram
"My kids think the Tooth Fairy is allergic to dust and she can't come unless their rooms are super clean."
— @MejiaWrites, Twitter
"when she lies her eyes turn a different color"
— @Mommy__Owl, Twitter
"I told my daughter that duolingo was a phone game, now I get sass in language I don't understand"
— @feelslike_rain333, TikTok
Food
(crime pays.)
"Crime makes food taste better. I sure hope no one is going to STEAL MY VEGETABLES AND EAT THEM ALL!!!!"
— u/verymanysquirrels, Reddit
"If I thought they might not want to try a new food, I would tell them it was only for grown ups."
— @donnajo.moore2, Instagram
"I keep old Happy Meal containers and fill them with homemade food"
— @Alice_Brandon, TikTok
"Her: I don't like broccoli. Me: it was grown in Arendelle. Her: this is actually good."
— u/pronouncedayayron, Reddit
"calamari? round chicken nuggets. salmon? red chicken. shrimp? small chickens. They were all chicken"
— @itsmichaelaest, TikTok
"Just convinced my son that the ice cream truck only plays music when sold out of ice cream – couldn't be less sorry #ParentingHack"
— @sflowers_, Twitter
Hygiene & Morning
(doing our best.)
"I pretend I couldn't find any pull-ups and told her to sit on the toilet while I ran upstairs and looked for one."
— u/unoeyedwillie, Reddit
"Lately I've been putting my toddler to bed in his undies and a t shirt...When he gets up in the am all I need to do is throw on some shorts"
— u/disbelieverred, Reddit
"My kid HATES teethbrushing but likes blowing out candles, so we brush teeth by candlelight then let her blow them out."
— @laceygregory1, TikTok
"When we get tired, my husband and I will pretend to be babies and our 3yr old is our mommy and has to put us down for a nap"
— u/MamaMia654, Reddit
"I'd tell them when I woke up we'd clean our rooms, so they always stayed quiet lol."
— u/medi_ka6439, Reddit
Activities
(genius.)
"My wife took a head start and set clues at intersections and landmarks to show the way she went. The kids and I looked for the clues to 'track' and 'catch Mommy.' She got an actual hike at her pace. The kids hiked farther and faster than normal."
— u/Salvidor_Deli, Reddit
And then there's @elkeyzandstra on TikTok, whose husband draws a road map on a t-shirt, lies face down, and lets the kids drive a massage roller along the roads on his back. He gets a back massage. See it here →
💼 This Week’s Work WTF
Inspired by real life events.
Scenario:
Someone asks if you're free at a time that's already blocked on your calendar. (It's a kid's doctor appointment. You've had it for six weeks. You are not moving it.)
What We Wish We Could Say:
"So glad I blocked my calendar just for funsies, but sure- I’m available if you take my kid to go cry at the doctor’s office."
Steal This Response:
"I actually have a conflict at that time — would [alternative time] work for you?" (the move here is just to keep it simple, friends)
K that’s all. You’re the best and we love you.
-CK “Chronically Sleep Deprived” Fuller (Editor) & the JB Crew 🫡
P.S. Next week is the last minute Mother's Day issue. If you have any reason to suspect the planning hasn't happened yet in your household, this is the one to forward.
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