It's been a heavy week over here.
Family left town, then our kitty unexpectedly passed away. And I somehow managed to forget that my birthday is this weekend until approximately Tuesday- at which point I also realized I had no childcare the following week because everyone else in my household will be gone, which led to a last-minute flight to my parents. (Oh boy, were those flights not cheap.)
In those moments, you reach for your village. And then remember…maybe you should have focused a bit more on building said village. 🫠
We live far from family. We are lucky they come to us- but outside of that? I'm a work-from-home introvert who has been meaning to build a local community since approximately 2022. Not my finest decade for that particular goal.
This week: why this is so hard, what actually works, and what I'm personally trying. If you have better ideas, please reply. I genuinely want to hear them.
In this issue:
✅ The three conditions friendship needs (and how parenthood tends to strip them all)
✅ Why the playdate is the wrong venue for actually making friends
✅ Why the errand run beats "let's grab coffee" every single time
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👉 A sociologist named Rebecca Adams spent years studying how adult friendship forms and landed on three conditions that all have to be present: proximity (you see someone regularly), repeated unplanned interaction (you bump into each other without always planning to), and a setting where people can lower their guard.
Parenthood often strips all three. Your days got smaller and more structured. You're not wandering into spontaneous conversations anymore. When you do see other parents, it's rushed- and you're in full performance mode, which is the opposite of guard-down.
The thing that actually recreates the conditions: a recurring activity that puts you near the same people on a consistent schedule.
A gym class. A running group. A book club. A bunco night. A neighborhood walk every Saturday morning. These work not because you bond in the activity itself- but because you see the same people repeatedly, without anyone being there specifically to make a new friend. (Much less pressure = better friendship odds)
Bonus: if you pick something that matches an actual interest, you've already got something to talk about that isn't your kids. Nice!
💗 Stop trying to make friends at playdates.
👉 A playdate seems like the obvious place to get to know another parent. It is not.
Here's what actually happens: one or both of you is on full toddler duty the whole time. Conversation is 11 incomplete sentences. Someone cries (not you, but close). You leave knowing nothing new about the other adult.
Use the playdate to maintain a warm acquaintance. Don't use it to initiate a friendship. The first time you actually hang out should be without the kids. Even once. Twenty minutes of complete sentences changes everything.
For finding someone to try this with:
Peanut
Think of it as a dating app for mom friends. Match by location, kid ages, and what you're actually looking for- someone to vent to, park walks, a wine night, whatever. Designed specifically for this problem, in a way that Facebook groups and neighborhood apps just aren't.
Honest personal take: I would rather chew glass than go on a blind friendship date. 😬But we can do hard things- as I apparently tell my kids on a regular basis. It's been on my radar to try. Also, clearly this was not sponsored lol.
💬 The errand date is underrated. (For meeting people and for keeping them.)
👉 The ask that's hard: "Do you want to hang out sometime?" Vague. Requires leisure time. (What’s that?)
The ask that's easy: "I'm doing a Target run Saturday morning. Want to come?"
You're not adding something to your schedule- you're overlapping two schedules that were already happening. Grocery run. Costco loop. A walk that was going to happen anyway. "What does your to-do list look like? I have to hit three stores, let's just do it together."
This works because the pressure of "making the time feel special" is exactly when people lower their guard. The ask is easier too. There's no weird subtext in "come to Costco with me." And then if you end up standing in the cheese aisle for 40 minutes, well, that might just be the best conversation you have all week.
Also, and this is important: the errand date isn't just a new-friend strategy. If you already have a parent friend you've been meaning to see, this is the move. You're not asking them to carve out a Saturday afternoon they don't have. You're just saying: let's be efficient about this together.
K that's all. You're the best and we love you.
-CK "Village of One 🎻" Fuller (Editor) & the JB Crew 🫡
P.S. Any ideas for what you'd want in your inbox next week? I'd genuinely love to hear what would be helpful. Hit reply and help a tired, sad mom out.
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